Fall is a time for pumpkin patches with the family, waiting on kids to ring your doorbell for trick-o-treating, and visiting different families during Thanksgiving. There was a time that when the season changed from summer to fall, my spirit and my heart would be in complete despair. It is like I could smell the fall air and it always reminded me of family. All these fond memories that not only reminded me of families around the world, but my own little family that I once knew. Therefore, when the seasons would change after my transition, the change was almost unbearable. I often wondered, would I feel this way forever, it frightened me to even have that thought because I did not see an end in sight. I guess you could say I was suffering from seasonal depression. I was not happy during the holidays; I was more so sick. Each day felt like a battle between what I once knew and what laid ahead. I missed my little family terribly and the traditions that we created over the 11 years. I would sit for hours and just smell the fall air, and many may think fall does not have a smell, but for me, it did and still does. It smells like a new heater coming on for the first time. It smells like everything pumpkin spice and everything crisp. Smells like fresh, morning air. Each year until this current year, I dreaded that smell, and I knew my fall identity would only be of this, sadness and mourning over the loss of my family and loneliness.
“Each day felt like a battle between what I once knew and what laid ahead.”
Watching everyone with their families made me angry, happy, and sad all at the same time and I wished I could shake it, but I could not. I knew that to heal it, I had to feel it. It was only until two valuable things were told to me from my therapist and from my special guy friend that changed my outlook as well as time doing what it does best. My therapist reminded me on the daily that no matter what, you all will always be family it just looks different. It is now time for you to create new traditions and add new meaning to the holidays that you share with your son. You have to create something new! ” My special guy friend encouraged me to answer these questions, “What do you like about fall? You are a fashionable person, what style do you like most in the fall?” My response, “cardigans, boots, leggings, camo jackets, shawls, and sweaters.” He said, “see there are some good things about the fall, stick with those things and it will probably help you more than you know—try to find the good when the seasons change.” And that I did…
This season change has been just that and it is the best season change to date despite the road bumps that remind us that we are human. I can not even put it in to words how good this season change feels, but I will try. I do not feel any ounce of loneliness when I smell the fresh crisp air, I feel joy. Joy of a new, beautiful journey that does not involve sadness but thankfulness for how far I have come and for the beautiful, loving, special people that I have in my life right now. I do not feel despair in my heart or in my spirit, but I feel hope for all the things to come and the new memories that I have made and will continue to make. I do not feel resentment when I see the beautiful family portraits, I feel authentically happy for the ability to still be here, in my right mind, to witness each season change and the exciting conclusion of almost another year. This season feels amazing in this present moment. Something I never fathomed, but I would not trade how I feel internally for the life I once knew. This season feels good, it feels whole, it feels victorious, it feels peaceful, and it feels like I cut my heat on…only engulfing in things, experiences and people that set my soul on fire!
“Find the good when the seasons change!”
Here’s to a new, beautiful season dedicated to my late loving father whose birthday was October 17th and who would get a kick out of this ever evolving Kimmie. This season is also dedicated as well to anyone who has suffered with seasonal depression or the loss of something or someone during this season. May you conquer this part of your journey and get to the other side by feeling it so you can heal it while giving yourself an enormous amount of grace along the way. You are closer than you think!
Now, go be happy—and cut your heat up!